Turning Toward Silence

so i din't eat all day
and my rents just tried to get me to eat dinner. haha.
I took the hamburger went to get some diet pop
and bam
hello trash can.

I'm good.

Today was terrible..
I manged through the school day with no calories
then I got home and ate two power bars
and 1/2 a bowl of cereal.
shot me.

Today is the first day.
I'm getting control back now.
So far nothing.

Its been weeks since i"ve enven allowed myself back on this journal, Imade enw ones and kept busy often hoping that distraction might help. It hasn't my thoughts always seem to come back to this, and I have prom next saturday. I'm huge. I have no idea how huge but its bad.

I miss my control.

I dont know what i want
I want to get the fuck over this
but I want it to happen over night

I dont know how to eat normally. I hate this.

I got out of dinner. I did the spit and chew.
I was being watched like a hawk.

I had a Hot choco earlier

so total today was 200 cals.


I hated tonight. Everyone made comments
kept telling me to be happy, kept bringing up how i never smile
that I look so sad.
wtf do i have to plaster a smile to my face?

then later in the night we were all in the living room
and my dad was talking about how he's so good looking
and naturally thin, and my grandma was all llike thats not all that's important
adn he was like well if your 400 pounds you have no self-control.
my grandma shot me a look, and told my dad, well you dont have to be thin
and my dad just went on and on. kind of ironic I think.
when hes pouring food down my fucking throat.

on the ride home my mom was like ur aunt is tiny how much do u think she weighs

i was like 100.

no, she was 110, and 5'2'
appearently I"m under 110 adn 5'5''
and disgusting to my mother.

none of this is acurate to my knowledge
she says thats because I am anorexic

fuck it all

I didn't eat today.

So last night
I robo-tripped
and when I woke up this morning, I could still feel it.
I haven't eaten yet, and still trying to figure out a plan to get out of dinner.
Halfway through today
I took 54 mg of Concerta ( when the other shit was worn off )

I'm still feeling up from that.

Just wondering.

for me on concerta these are the stages.

I feel it...
I get really like "highish"
like I"m on speed.
I sweat.
Then I can like focusish..but like I'm too antsy too, and i just want to run adn do a million things at once.
then I kinda of come down
then get wayy wayy up
then I get cold.
freezing cold

then I'm just in this weird zone. like now.

eeek.

total cals so far..
200> small hot chocolate.

I wasn't starting my new diet/regain of control till tomorrow.

However today. Easter.

I consumed.

1 lollypop>60Cals.
6 Diet cokes> 0 Cals.
2 Hot chocolates> 300 Cals.


I'm rad.

[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:39 pm]
My mom took me shopping earlier.
It was really ok.
I was so anxious, nervous too.
My mom thought it might help
with the eating thing.
Help me put together
a new wardrobe,
something that would make me happy
and provide away to express myself.
well It went ok until I tried on the jeans.
It was so hard because nothing fit.
And when I found ones that did, I had to buy them bigger
so I could grow into them.
It made me uncomfortable
the way my mom looked at me
I watched her go back for a smaller size
and when she came back
I saw the tears.
I was already anxious because the whole idea
of growing into things scares me.
I've gone from 0 now.
up to a loose size 5.
Its progress, and its slow
which is good for me.
ne way.
I got a bunch of new stuff.
then went to eat for with my mommy.

Then I got home and had another weigh in.
114.

That means.
Prom dress shopping

sooooooon!!!!

so I got concerta.
the 54 mg pill.

I have two.
my bro has like 10.

I wnat to know the effects
I snorted it b4 i just can't remember.

Grr.

Is it like ritilin?


grr I had 30 mg of that and was gone. so not sure bout this one.

I took 30 mg of Ritalin today.
I was fucked.
I was still drunk from last night
and I had two shots before classes,
then a few hours later
snorted the shit.
everyone thought I was on coke.
I couldn't stay still, it was exhilerating
It was amazing
I was free.
I was happy.
I'm so addicted.

I hate my rents.
I hate them.
I walk in the house last night.
they make me tell them all I've consumed that day so I do.
They say I'm no where near eating enough calories
that its no where near a thousand
I tell them I had 1800.
they say bullshit.
I cry
they scream
they tell me I'm stupid
pathetic
and I"ll never do it.
I should consider my boyfriend and I over
my prom gone
and my life done.


I dont think I ever cried so hard.

fuck anorexia
fuck them.

I"m 109.

fuck it all.

So I went into my mom's room to ask for a tampon. I told her i thought i had my period but i wasn't sure becuase it didn't seem normal, she was like, well you don't look normal... lets see how much u weight. I had no time to fool around with the zeroing in thing, so it was perfectly set, she made me go on backwards.


She was shocked.
She yelled.
she freaked.

It read 102.

I'm fucked.
i have 1 week to gain 5 pounds
if I dont
hospital time.

omg.

I need someone.

so umm.

since i got all the screen names. I've been getting really close with all these, girls, and a guy.

its nice, so now when i read updates, I'm more familiar with the story behind them


I wanna make a bracelet. like support one.

ne wanna?

so at babysitting they have a digital scale, except I always go by mine. There's always seems to be a little off. There I weighed in at 108. so I was pumped. When I got home. I was

104.

105 was my goal for Friday. It's only Wed!!!


100 is still my goal for Next Friday. I'm gonna get it.


Today.

Hot chocolate large...160 calories
3 cheeze-its 15

175 cals.

Ok so today I'm giving myself a large HOt Chocolate at school.

Its made with water, plus the powder. Its as tall as a dinner glass.

But thas all I'm consuming.

Maybe water too.


eeek.

200 cals?
I'm gonna overshoot it.

Today.

3 Diet cokes> 0 cals
1 water w/ Lemonade crystal light pack>5 cals
Butterscotch Lolly>60 cals
Gum>5 Cals.

Total>70 Cals

I’ve voted that if I buy packs of gum, I eat them all because I get so hungry,
And by asking others for it, I get less, hence less cals. Another thing I realize is that those crystal light water bottle packs, are addicting, in the way gum is, I drink soo much water, because it tastes so good then I feel huge because of all t he water. Eeek. I do however love that and flavored water.

SO I VOTE I AMBECOMG BRILLIANT.

I got out of dinner….again.
This is the third night in a row and here’s how I managed again.

It was 7 so I figured I’d get out of it. But no, my mom was on the phone in the kitchen making chicken and cheese Quesada’s. I knew if it were a sit down dinner there would be now way I could pull off my spit and chew scheme so I activated a new plan. I told my mom I wanted to eat right away because I was starving, but the Quesada she was making was kind of burn so she gave me half and told me to wait for the other. I said ok, took a bite, said I had to get something upstairs. Spit the food in my mouth on the floor and my dog ate it. (I was in my room) then I dropped the rest, went back downstairs took my other half shoved half in my mouth and left again. And repeated. I’m a master.

Ohh yeah and tomorrow night
I got a babysitting job 5-7
And umm what time is dinner?


I rock.