Turning Toward Silence

letgox @ 2007-05-25T19:52:00

2007-05-25T23:45:37Z

so i din't eat all day
and my rents just tried to get me to eat dinner. haha.
I took the hamburger went to get some diet pop
and bam
hello trash can.

I'm good.

letgox @ 2007-05-24T15:49:00

2007-05-24T19:43:06Z

Today was terrible..
I manged through the school day with no calories
then I got home and ate two power bars
and 1/2 a bowl of cereal.
shot me.

letgox @ 2007-05-24T11:50:00

2007-05-24T15:51:23Z

Today is the first day.
I'm getting control back now.
So far nothing.

letgox @ 2007-05-23T10:21:00

2007-05-23T14:22:22Z

Its been weeks since i"ve enven allowed myself back on this journal, Imade enw ones and kept busy often hoping that distraction might help. It hasn't my thoughts always seem to come back to this, and I have prom next saturday. I'm huge. I have no idea how huge but its bad.

I miss my control.

letgox @ 2007-04-12T19:23:00

2007-04-12T23:24:24Z

I dont know what i want
I want to get the fuck over this
but I want it to happen over night

I dont know how to eat normally. I hate this.

letgox @ 2007-04-09T21:41:00

2007-04-10T01:46:02Z

I got out of dinner. I did the spit and chew.
I was being watched like a hawk.

I had a Hot choco earlier

so total today was 200 cals.

I hated tonight. Everyone made comments
kept telling me to be happy, kept bringing up how i never smile
that I look so sad.
wtf do i have to plaster a smile to my face?

then later in the night we were all in the living room
and my dad was talking about how he's so good looking
and naturally thin, and my grandma was all llike thats not all that's important
adn he was like well if your 400 pounds you have no self-control.
my grandma shot me a look, and told my dad, well you dont have to be thin
and my dad just went on and on. kind of ironic I think.
when hes pouring food down my fucking throat.

on the ride home my mom was like ur aunt is tiny how much do u think she weighs

i was like 100.

no, she was 110, and 5'2'
appearently I"m under 110 adn 5'5''
and disgusting to my mother.

none of this is acurate to my knowledge
she says thats because I am anorexic

fuck it all

I didn't eat today.

letgox @ 2007-04-09T14:52:00

2007-04-09T18:55:20Z

So last night
I robo-tripped
and when I woke up this morning, I could still feel it.
I haven't eaten yet, and still trying to figure out a plan to get out of dinner.
Halfway through today
I took 54 mg of Concerta ( when the other shit was worn off )

I'm still feeling up from that.

Just wondering.

for me on concerta these are the stages.

I feel it...
I get really like "highish"
like I"m on speed.
I sweat.
Then I can like focusish..but like I'm too antsy too, and i just want to run adn do a million things at once.
then I kinda of come down
then get wayy wayy up
then I get cold.
freezing cold

then I'm just in this weird zone. like now.

eeek.

total cals so far..
200> small hot chocolate.

letgox @ 2007-04-08T18:23:00

2007-04-08T22:24:19Z

I wasn't starting my new diet/regain of control till tomorrow.

However today. Easter.

I consumed.

1 lollypop>60Cals.
6 Diet cokes> 0 Cals.
2 Hot chocolates> 300 Cals.

I'm rad.

letgox @ 2007-04-07T23:17:00

2007-04-08T03:17:38Z

[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:39 pm]
My mom took me shopping earlier.
It was really ok.
I was so anxious, nervous too.
My mom thought it might help
with the eating thing.
Help me put together
a new wardrobe,
something that would make me happy
and provide away to express myself.
well It went ok until I tried on the jeans.
It was so hard because nothing fit.
And when I found ones that did, I had to buy them bigger
so I could grow into them.
It made me uncomfortable
the way my mom looked at me
I watched her go back for a smaller size
and when she came back
I saw the tears.
I was already anxious because the whole idea
of growing into things scares me.
I've gone from 0 now.
up to a loose size 5.
Its progress, and its slow
which is good for me.
ne way.
I got a bunch of new stuff.
then went to eat for with my mommy.

Then I got home and had another weigh in.
114.

That means.
Prom dress shopping

sooooooon!!!!

THE NICER STORY....

2007-04-05T23:23:26Z

After another troubling day, I forced myself to eat,
and I swear each time I do, I eat to much, I'll learn eventually
I know, but for now, it's always too much. Ekkk.

Ne way.

I was full, and I still l had to eat dinner. I tried to explain to my mom
that I was full, and couldn't eat. She of coarse denied the right to skip
so my full stomach pretty much exploaded.
I left the table on the verge of tears, due to fights that I felt were uncalled for.

Only seconds after leaving there was a knock on my door
and my mom's quorky smile.

"it's time" she said to eagerly.
and sure enough there was the scale.

I wasn't allowed to see.

but she said.

" You're doing much better, you're almost there, but not close enough"

then she left me there alone with the scale. ( bad idea )
I got on, held my breath.
looking down my eyes instantly filled with tears.
120.
with clothes on and the fullest stomach I'd ever known.

I was crying because I was scared. that this was still not good enough
yet to me it was too much
I couldn't undestand how I was going to keep going like this.
how I was going to fight back like I had all morning.

I stood there wondering how I had let a number mean so much
and as my thoughts wandered, I decided no answer would be right.

I then went downstairs anything, to avoid thinking about how full I was.
( usually if I stay distracted after eating it's much easier)

well....

i was in the kitchen and I found a bag, with my name.

inside was a note.
and a bunch of chocolate chip muffins.
I guess my mom remembered me telling her, I could handle eating them.

I started crying again immediately

wondering how something she was so proud of me, eating again, and gaining weight...

could make me feel so low and out of control.

I had spent the whole day convincing myself I deserved to eat and that it was ok.
I got through today and that was enough for me.
I feel that that part of me is gaining control again and I'm getting stronger

I'm still hesitant, like when I get so full, or hear the numbers,
and certain events like tonight

leave me here on an edge, not sure if I can hang on.

I guess all of this is just my thoughts I had to get out.
I know it sounds like my ED talk and if it is I"m sorry.
I just, I needed to write about it, get it out of my head.

letgox @ 2007-04-05T17:39:00

2007-04-05T21:39:27Z

so I got concerta.
the 54 mg pill.

I have two.
my bro has like 10.

I wnat to know the effects
I snorted it b4 i just can't remember.

Grr.

Is it like ritilin?

grr I had 30 mg of that and was gone. so not sure bout this one.

letgox @ 2007-04-03T19:31:00

2007-04-03T23:33:03Z

I took 30 mg of Ritalin today.
I was fucked.
I was still drunk from last night
and I had two shots before classes,
then a few hours later
snorted the shit.
everyone thought I was on coke.
I couldn't stay still, it was exhilerating
It was amazing
I was free.
I was happy.
I'm so addicted.

me at 108.

2007-04-02T22:32:42Z

Back bones

Front view. around 108.

letgox @ 2007-03-31T08:44:00

2007-03-31T12:46:11Z

I hate my rents.
I hate them.
I walk in the house last night.
they make me tell them all I've consumed that day so I do.
They say I'm no where near eating enough calories
that its no where near a thousand
I tell them I had 1800.
they say bullshit.
I cry
they scream
they tell me I'm stupid
pathetic
and I"ll never do it.
I should consider my boyfriend and I over
my prom gone
and my life done.

I dont think I ever cried so hard.

fuck anorexia
fuck them.

letgox @ 2007-03-30T18:29:00

2007-03-30T22:29:59Z

I"m 109.

fuck it all.

OMG

2007-03-29T21:08:13Z

So I went into my mom's room to ask for a tampon. I told her i thought i had my period but i wasn't sure becuase it didn't seem normal, she was like, well you don't look normal... lets see how much u weight. I had no time to fool around with the zeroing in thing, so it was perfectly set, she made me go on backwards.

She was shocked.
She yelled.
she freaked.

It read 102.

I'm fucked.
i have 1 week to gain 5 pounds
if I dont
hospital time.

omg.

I need someone.

letgox @ 2007-03-28T21:58:00

2007-03-29T01:59:48Z

so umm.

since i got all the screen names. I've been getting really close with all these, girls, and a guy.

its nice, so now when i read updates, I'm more familiar with the story behind them

I wanna make a bracelet. like support one.

ne wanna?

letgox @ 2007-03-28T19:23:00

2007-03-28T23:25:01Z

so at babysitting they have a digital scale, except I always go by mine. There's always seems to be a little off. There I weighed in at 108. so I was pumped. When I got home. I was

104.

105 was my goal for Friday. It's only Wed!!!

100 is still my goal for Next Friday. I'm gonna get it.

Today.

Hot chocolate large...160 calories
3 cheeze-its 15

175 cals.

letgox @ 2007-03-28T06:21:00

2007-03-28T10:22:21Z

Ok so today I'm giving myself a large HOt Chocolate at school.

Its made with water, plus the powder. Its as tall as a dinner glass.

But thas all I'm consuming.

Maybe water too.

eeek.

200 cals?
I'm gonna overshoot it.

I rule.

2007-03-27T23:40:29Z

Today.

3 Diet cokes> 0 cals
1 water w/ Lemonade crystal light pack>5 cals
Butterscotch Lolly>60 cals
Gum>5 Cals.

Total>70 Cals

I’ve voted that if I buy packs of gum, I eat them all because I get so hungry,
And by asking others for it, I get less, hence less cals. Another thing I realize is that those crystal light water bottle packs, are addicting, in the way gum is, I drink soo much water, because it tastes so good then I feel huge because of all t he water. Eeek. I do however love that and flavored water.

SO I VOTE I AMBECOMG BRILLIANT.

I got out of dinner….again.
This is the third night in a row and here’s how I managed again.

It was 7 so I figured I’d get out of it. But no, my mom was on the phone in the kitchen making chicken and cheese Quesada’s. I knew if it were a sit down dinner there would be now way I could pull off my spit and chew scheme so I activated a new plan. I told my mom I wanted to eat right away because I was starving, but the Quesada she was making was kind of burn so she gave me half and told me to wait for the other. I said ok, took a bite, said I had to get something upstairs. Spit the food in my mouth on the floor and my dog ate it. (I was in my room) then I dropped the rest, went back downstairs took my other half shoved half in my mouth and left again. And repeated. I’m a master.

Ohh yeah and tomorrow night
I got a babysitting job 5-7
And umm what time is dinner?

I rock.

letgox @ 2007-03-27T18:17:00

2007-03-27T22:18:09Z

Does ne one want to exchange Screen Names for AIM?

letgox @ 2007-03-26T19:59:00

2007-03-27T00:02:14Z

so my rents went out to do some TV thing so i thought if while they were gone i could claim to have eaten, so while they were out I spit and chewed a bit, then just got rid of a bunch to prove my point...well they came home and cooked dinner, so i told my mom i ate and she believed me although my dad doubted me.

so during dinner i put 1 piece of turkey on my plate ( scraped off the gravey )
it was the size of and ipod mini. i played the chew game. I kept putting more in till i count fit ne more, got up and got water, and spit. no one paid attention. no idea how.

then i finished it, got up dumped the water and told my mom i'd rather have juice, so spit the rest of the food.

the had juice

intake today

crystal light packs>10 cals
Juice 1/2 cup > 60

total 70.

letgox @ 2007-03-26T17:50:00

2007-03-26T21:58:26Z

Ok, so these are from when I was around 111-114.
They didn't work last time lets see now, I have newer ones, but I"m hoping I'll get smaller before so I dont want to post those yet, and plus these will motivate me to lose.

soooo....

Collar bones again...

Icky side view

Not the best mirror shot. I look like a beast. I think i had just eaten. ew.

This one is a tad bit better....

My hips. Yes they're scars.

Best side shot

almost perfect

Far away and bloated eeewww.

face shot 1

face shot 2

letgox @ 2007-03-25T19:24:00

2007-03-25T23:29:52Z

I was nervous all day because I knew I was going to have to eat dinner.
( family dinners sun-thurs) and I haven't really eaten since thursday.
I went to see my mom, and she was cooking these chicken bake things
but they were round, and stuffed with swiss cheese ( 410 cals per round)
Then there was salad, but with nasty fatty dressing, and there was rice ewww.
and ohh yeah biscuts.

Weeeelll.

Me being amazing.
got water.
drank most of it.

then put as much food, in my mouth as I could, but slowly to make it non obvious.
then got more water and while doing so spit.
and i repeated that process. 3x and my mom was so happy.

my dad came to dinner late and was like, your too skinny you need to eat.

and my mom like stuck up for me and was like she's been eating, i just smirked.
because well i have a secret.

today:

crystal light packs>2 so 10 Calories
Frozzen Jello 2/3 > 40 Cals.

Total> 50.

Yesss.

letgox @ 2007-03-24T23:15:00

2007-03-25T03:21:47Z

today.

Hot choc 2 pks> 160 cals ( 1 glass)

then I had 4 waters with crystal light packs ( 40 Cals. )

Total: 200.

I'm at like 106 now. I think. Who the hell knows.

Ohh yeah and i bought fat free chocolate jello- 60 cals a piece, then I freezed em. so maybe one later.